"I Have So Much to Say I Better Split This into Two Entries." AKA: Why I Hate George Martin

(#2) Read 25 books

1. Room by Emma Donohue
2. Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald
3. Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama
4.A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
   A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin
   A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin

   A Feast for Crows by George R. R. Martin
5. A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving
6. The Shack by William Young
7. The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides

George R.R. Martin is the worst kind of writer. He gives the rest of us a bad name. 

He gets you right where he wants you- and then he just screws around for 1,000 pages. So thanks for ruining the last month of my life.

If you remember my review of A Storm of Swords, I was pretty pumped after finishing it. The ending was huge and I had no idea what was going to happen from there. The answer is- a whole lot of nothing. 

Martin kills off several main characters in book three, but there are still some interesting story lines developing with some of my favorites- Jon Snow, Daenrys, Tyrion Lannister. Unfortunately none of these characters are in the book at all.

Instead, we are introduced to a whole series of new characters- after we spent about 3,000 pages getting attached to the old ones. We get to meet Pate the pig boy, featured in only the first and last twenty pages. We get to meet everyone on the Iron Islands, though since Theon is now missing we really have no connection to these people at all. We get to meet everyone in Dorne, even though until now we only had a vague idea of what/where Dorne was (sorry, I should have consulted my map).

Every character has at least three names- Ser Firstname, Ser Lastname, and Nickname Related to Skill or Deed. Multiply that by 100+ characters (I am not exaggerating) and it gets a little hard to figure out. Ser Gerold and Ser Dayne are one in the same; and they are both also referred to as Darkstar. Not to mention the similarity of names: Asha, Alayne, Aeron, Aemon, Aerys. All the Freys are literally named Walder Frey.

Cersei Lannister is probably the main character of this novel. She is the only character who has been with us from the beginning who is still involved in the story line that the other three books were about.

Cersei has always been evil. We have seen her human side from time to time- her love for Jaime (however twisted) and for her children. Her relatively kind treatment of Sansa (as least compared to Joffrey). In this book, we see Cersei's unfortunate downward spiral. Though she resented her father's control of her, the reader can now see that Tywin Lannister was the one actually running the kindgom after Joffrey's death. Cersei absolutely falls apart under the pressure, though she herself doesn't realize she is being undone until the end of this novel.

Brienne of Tarth is another main character. I was vaguely interested in her story line when this book began, and though she wasn't in book one at least she wasn't as new as others. Unfortunately Brienne's story is incredibly boring and pointless. She is looking for Sansa Stark (which might be interesting if we didn't already know where Sansa was) literally just by riding down the kings road and asking everyone she sees if they have seen a young woman fitting Sansa's description. And then, even more unfortunately, we are introduced to and forced to become acquainted with every person that she meets, who we will then never see again (or possibly see 1,000 pages later and be expected to remember).

I have literally been known to shout WHO CARES??? while reading one of Brienne's chapters. Just ask Ronnie.

Samwell Tarly is another narrator whose story I was invested in. Unfortunately he spends the entire novel on a ship, bound for Oldtown. He doesn't get there until there are about 100 pages left. The rest of his time is spent describing himself vomiting and describing Gilly's son shitting all over himself constantly. He does manage to lose his virginity amongst all the poop and puke, though, so I guess good for him.

Besides all of this meaningless wandering, a la Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the book is also riddled with hints and clues that I not only don't pick up on, I don't realize until 100s of pages later that I've missed something.

Don't get me wrong- there are still many aspects of this series that I am heavily invested in, and I will most likely finish the series in hopes that stories will be resolved. And there were certainly exciting moments in the book. It was just a huge disappointment after book three, and I definitely got the feeling that Martin was jerking me around for longer than he needed to just to make sure he milked the series for all it was worth.

Speaking of jerking around- the end of the novel. I had peeked ahead in frustration (are we EVER going to hear from Jon or Daenyrs) and was much looking forward to a chapter at the end of the novel entitled "Meanwhile, Back on the Wall." Those that have read the novel are probably chuckling at me in pity at this moment.

The chapter was a note from George R.R. Martin, explaining that he just had soooo much to tell in this story that at the last minute he decided to split this book in half- by geography. In other words, the story in A Dance with Dragons details what is happening simultaneously with the other characters that we missed in this novel. In other words, the story won't be moving forward at all until at least book six.

The worst part is he says it like he's doing us a favor.

And then he takes six years after releasing this book to come out with the next one. The one that he had supposedly already written.

WHAT. EVER.

I need a break from Westeros after this one. I don't think I'll be returning until after my reading list for this year is complete.

If anyone out there has read book five, give me hope that it is worth it.